Tear (v) it to Tears (n)

 I had a dream last night I was in a dark city. Like some cliche dystopian setting. I was walking down brick ally ways, when it started to rain. I was overjoyed. I hadn't seen rain in months. It poured. Quickly the drains flowed heavy and the gutters turned into rivers. I threw myself under the stream. Chanting a mix of words that I picked up in my real life swimming with the dolphins.

Eya Mia et Numo
Ala Mahalo Gia
Annu eya, Kai 'a
A siri - eya Numo
Ala Mahalo Gia

 I splashed and sang with such love and gratitude. Then all of a sudden, the rain stopped. I screamed "No!! You aren't supposed to go away yet!" Then a guard for the dark city came and asked me "Do you have a permit to chant here?" I said no. "STOP THEN, and know, I will hear you if you try again." I had such deep fear and sadness, tears flowed down my cheeks. A steady hot stream. I felt one drop of water hit the top of my head from the sky. My heart opened wide. Then I woke up.

For close to two years I was living in the land of divine breath, water, and spirit. Hawai'i. I have recently returned to my home county of Marin in California.

Origin of the name Marin:

German variant of Maria, the Latin form of Mary, which is derived from the Hebrew Miryām (sea of bitterness, sea of sorrow).

My choice in returning home was big for me. Epic, really. It felt like I had lived in a heaven for the past two years and I was remaking my choice to incarnate in this human experience. With my chosen family, friends, and location. I feel I am re-merging myself as a spirit in the human plane. I knew this would be challenging, I knew I could handle it, but it seems this week I am facing my choice head on.

It is dry in the sea of sorrow. Drier than it has been since 1860. No Rain on the horizon. I am returning from a land where nature has the ultimate first and last word. Collectively, the land is respected and revered by the people who are allowed to stay and visit there. Aloha Aina. "love" - loose and lacking translation of Aloha. Aina - "land" Love of the Land. There is a deep connection to the land and her people there, a relationship with feeling that keeps the natural laws in balance.

Here in the Matrix Mainland, different laws are at work. I will touch on the ideas of different "conspiracy theories" here, but I do not think it is the essence of the imbalance. I have woken up the past few early mornings to thick dark clouds, the air is slightly moist and feels like we could have rain. Then I notice planes flying, I believe, to be spraying chemicals that alter the atmosphere and within a few short hours the sky is clear blue and the air dry and crisp. Any chance that our mother had of showering us is now gone. But, I don't like to give too much energy to these ideas, no matter how true they may be, because it places outside blame. And it reminds me what my own mother, a voice of THE MOTHER would say to me, all the time... "NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE A VICTIM" And I think the true root lies deeper. For the past few years, when seeing these "chem trails" I turned them, in my story, to the "SURRENDER DOROTHY" that the Wicked Witch clouds over the Emerald City just when the Hero and her friends are about to be victorious. What we think is physical and dense is far more malleable then we are taught to believe. Have we been carried by a tornado over the rainbow to another world? Or have we been hit on the head by a falling window frame and dreaming? Either way, nothing is as concrete as it seems, this I know. Everything is an outward projection of the inner. So, in my mind and story I change the "chem-trails" to being a scare tactic made by my own self. To scare my self straight. It's the chemicals in the cigarette I decided to smoke yesterday because I was scared, that have now manifested themselves today in the sky, because I REALLY am that POWERFUL. Or it is the harsh words of judgment that came out of my mouth Thursday that have now poisoned the air around and sky above. Because I REALLY am that POWERFUL. Maybe I am over personalizing every thing, maybe, but I think more so, not. I think extreme personal identification and responsibility for the outer world around us is how we hack our selves out of this game. How we get ourselves out. free the self. See the double meaning. I choose to see life as a dream. I interpret symbols in a dream to be able to find the through lines in stories, I do the same in "waking" life.

Rain. Water. Emotion. Drought. Lack of Emotion. Disconnection to Feeling.

As I have said before, this severing of emotion is what landed us here, and what will drive us deeper into "THE GAP" "darkness" "negativity" if we continue not to feel. We chose to come to Earth to feel, emotions can be felt at heavier densities here to be able to feel it up and down and around back into ultimate balance. But with the escalation of negativity here, many of us have cut ourselves off from the feeling body. I have seen where this goes, parts of my soul come from where this goes. I warn my current race, we do not want to know where this train leads. Our worst nightmares will be reality. I beg of us, to feel. To Cry. And it does not have to be a release and diving into all the "negative" emotions, for going too deep there can cause severe stress that is not beneficial. But strive to be honest, vulnerable, and do not be afraid to cry. Maybe you cry because you are scared, you are mad or sad. Maybe you cry because it is all so overwhelming you don't know what to feel, but you know you need to let something out. Or hopefully, you are able to cry because it is all so terrifyingly beautiful, sliding into the unknown.  Because you are so grateful for what you have in the moment, appreciative for this experience. That is the feeling I always remind myself to go back to, that this story just may be "real". The aliens, the angels, the evils, the corrupt governments and banks, the mysteries, the beauties, it just may all be "real". And if so, well then it is one GREAT story. The GREATEST EVER TOLD. And how appreciative am I that I have been gifted a part in it. And If all that story doesn't work for you, to wash away all the details back to the present moment. Let's just find breath. And let tears flow, for we breathe. And when you see someone crying, don't ask them "What's Wrong?" For you should know all that is "wrong". When you see some one feeling, don't ask them "are you alright" For yes, All is ALL RIGHT. Allow yourself to find it beautiful and brave and not to worry for them. Allow yourself to feel with them. To release the chemicals that make up the thoughts in your brain physically out of your eyes, for that is what is in tears. Washing your soul cleaner and nourishing the earth. Do not be afraid of that moment when you feel your eyes well up just because a fellow human as really looked at you, be it friend or stranger. Today at the cafe I work at, I asked a stranger "how are you today?" Instead of answering " I want a non-fat latte" She looked into me, honestly and answered "I am well, and you?" She truly asked me, not just on autopilot. My eyes welled up in warmth. This happens a few lovely times a day.. I usually well up, because I feel. Let us have more and more of these moments. Every moment an honest moment. Let us find the strength to slow down enough to be soft. 

Everything is a metaphor. Even if you live somewhere that is pouring right now or covered in snow or ice, We are ALL in the Sea of Sorrow and there is a drought upon us.  As we dry up, so will the world around us. That, I believe is how it works. That, I believe is how powerful the human spirit is. 


I believe if one girl cries honestly and open enough, she could make it rain for the world. If we all cried we might just understand what created the Great Flood, But hopefully we could just start laughing with joy and amazement first be fore we floated away....

“When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.”

― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

If you shut your eyes and are a lucky one, you may see at times a shapeless pool of lovely pale
 colours suspended in the darkness; then if you squeeze your eyes tighter, the pool begins to take 
 shape, and the colours become so vivid that with another squeeze they must go on fire. But just before they go on fire you see the lagoon. This is the nearest you ever get to it on the mainland, just one heavenly moment; if there could be two moments you might see the surf and hear the mermaids singing.

J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan 

“Listen, I don't care what you say about my race, creed, or religion, but don't tell me I'm not sensitive to beauty. That's my Achilles' heel, and don't you forget it. To me, everything is beautiful. Show me a pink sunset, and I'm limp, by God. Anything. Peter Pan. Even before the curtain goes up at Peter Pan I'm a goddamn puddle of tears.”

― J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey